Saturday, February 25, 2006

Wondering minstrel

   "Oh fa lee lay la dee la do," trilled Andar.
   A single, explosively loud gunshot.
   "Why?" expired Andar.


Murder most livid

   Permeating the mandibles was a fallible intricacy. Mr. Trenton had long since decided to abandon candour and, instead, opt for intransigence. Odd it's true, but understandable, given a penchant for irreversibility.
   Exactly then, the covers exploded, raising awareness of fulcrums to undreamt of heights. Why would they have flown so carelessly? Mr. Trenton was tasked to find out. Was he successful? No.



All the SSSs I've added so far have been blasts from my past, from letters I gave to a couple of good friends of mine, L and M. But copy and paste isn't really a creative endeavour so, finally, I've written a couple of new tales of suspense and tragedy, thanks to an hour sitting in the Canberra Centre waiting for B to finish work and have dinner with me. So here goes, new stuff!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Genuinely stupid?

   "You're not really, truly, genuinely stupid!" shouted Max.
   "Am so!" replied Gerald, angrily it must be said.
   "But what about the pink squid?" asks Max, cunningly linking this story with an earlier one, to trick Gerald into a serious blunder (as well as changing tense).
   "Ah ha! I have fooled you totally!" screams Max somewhat triumphantly.
   "It is I who am genuinely stupid!!!"
   "Me! ME! MEEEEEE!!!"
   "Oh. Me?" questions Gerald.
   "Yes! Hahaha!"
   "Die! Red-blooded scum of Earth!" screams the suddenly interjected alien toothbrush.
   "I disagree."
   "WHO SAID THAT?!" asks the alien toothbrush timidly.
   "That wasn't timid!"
   "TRUE!!! Who said that? BETTER?!!" amended the vicious and strangely anomalous toothbrush.
   "Yes, quite." answered the mute sponge bath.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Then the pig cried

   "Ouch!" cried the ping.
   "Hurties!" screamed the pop.
   "Waah!" wailed the crackle.
   Then the pig cried out, "ENOUGH!"


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Pink squid

   "Then the squid said to the --"
   "Hang on! What squid?"
   "The attractive pink squid with the blue denim jeans, of course!"


Monday, February 13, 2006

So there was one

First there were ten of them.
Then one went to pick up the dry cleaning.
So there were nine.
Another wanted to take a walk.
So there were eight.
The one who had gone for the dry cleaning came back, because Bells wasn’t very far from his house.
So there were nine.
They had a party with lots of friends showing up.
So there were 84.
The party finished, but a couple of their friends were idiots and couldn’t remember where they lived (and they were some of the ones that hadn’t been drinking).
So there were twelve.
One of them laid a bomb in the middle of the house and went across the road to use the detonator, blowing the house and all that was in it to pieces.
So there was one.


Sunday, February 12, 2006

Maxine says "Hello"

   Franz decided that it was a good day to go shopping for a new pair of lederhosen, despite the fact that he knew not what they were. In fact it is rather culturally biased to suggest that just because he has a name like Franz, he should have any association with an item of clothing such as lederhosen. Franz decides he will start again, with a new name...
   Jakob decided that it was a good day to go shopping for a new pair of clogs...
   Ralph decided that it was a good day to go shopping for a new pair of basketball shoes...
   Fred decided that it was a good day to go shopping for a new pair of thongs...
   Zextlpnghjk decided that it was a good day to go shopping for a new pair of thrglsnaps. Well, it was a good day if you happened to breathe ammonia, and enjoyed walking through dense boggy marshes subject to frequent, violent lightning strikes. Which meant that it was a day that Zextlpnghjk liked very much indeed, since it not only breathed ammonia, but also enjoyed walking through dense boggy marshes subject to frequent, violent lightning strikes. How lovely!

THE END (almost)

   “Say it then!”
   “Do I have to?”
   “Oh, all right then! Hello!” said Maxine.

THE END (really!)

Friday, February 10, 2006

Mum, what's that?

   "Mum, what's that?", asked Little Suzie.
   "It's a tree", replied Mum.
   "Mum, what's that?", repeated Little Suzie.
   "It's still a tree", said Mum.
   "Mum, what's that?", said annoying Little Suzie.
   "I'd say, based on previous experience, and the constancy of physical objects, that it is, as before, a tree", said Mum, rapidly growing impatient, as was her wont.
   "Oh. A tree. I thought so.", said smart-alec Little Suzie.
   "Yes. A tree. Die, Little Suzie, Die!", screamed a hideous alien, who had surprisingly appeared from nowhere, and joined in the conversation.
   "Mum, what's that?", asked Little Suzie.
   "It's a tree!", Mum replied, having had enough.
   "No, that."
   "Oh. That's a hideous alien come to destroy you."
   "Yes, nothing strange there."
   The hideous alien ("I am not hideous, you just have a rather narrow view of beauty", interjected the alien. "Oh, sorry. I s'pose you could be right", agrees the narrator) then proceeded to fire a massive neuron disruptor cannon at Little Suzie. It did not affect her at all.
   "But this weapon should have made your brains explode!" exclaimed the strangely-attractive alien.
   "Oh. She has no brains." said Mum matter-of-factly.
   "Yeah. So you can't kill me!" taunted Little Suzie.
   "Hmmm... I must ponder this situation" said the alien, disappearing in a flash of energy.

THE END (for now)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Where did Harold go?

   "Mum! Where's Harold?" screamed Harold's sister.
   "Mum. Where's Harold?" whispered Harold's brother.
   "Mum! Where's Harold?" screamed Harold's other sister.
   "Mum! Where's Harold?" shouted Harold, just to be part of the action, "Hang on! I only have one sister!"
   "Correct, you scum-sucking, leech-infested, brainless, maggot-eating, festering swamp of putrescence! I am in fact an alien!" growled the other "sister" ferociously.
   "Well, that's no excuse for such insults!" interjected Mum indignantly, "It's to bed with no supper for you!"
   "Sorry." replied the alien simply.

THE END (of Part One)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Blurg the Intelligent (Part Three)

   “Is a tomato and cheese omelette OK, oh mighty Emperor of the Galaxy?”
   “Yep, sure is!” answered Blurg the Intelligent quite cheerfully.
   “Well that’s good, because that’s all I can cook.” said the clone of Shauny Shorts.
   (Don’t ask me to explain how the clone of Shauny Shorts changed from wanting to conquer Blurg the Intelligent’s galaxy to being Blurg the Intelligent’s personal chef. You couldn’t possibly understand. All you really need to know is that Blurg the Intelligent has once again coped extremely well with the threat of galactic destruction.)
   (Oh, and the answer to the third question is: Yes this story could get much more stupid than this. But it won’t. Because this is... THE END

Blurg the Intelligent (Part Two)

   In our first episode, we saw that Shauny Shorts had seemingly come back to life, and was in the process of becoming a menace to the entire universe! Shock! Horror! Shaun’s jokes! But enough exclamation marks(!), let us continue with our story...
   “Watch out for the salmon sandwiches!!!” screamed the population of the galaxy which was, coincidentally ruled over by Blurg the Intelligent (Emperor of the Galaxy).
   “Um, what salad sandwiches?” asked Blurg the Intelligent.
   “SALMON sandwiches, oh mighty Emperor!!!”
   “Oh.” said Blurg the Intelligent.
   Then he ducked, because there were, indeed, several trillion salmon sandwiches flying through the galaxy at rather faster than average speeds (faster than average for salmon sandwiches, anyway). And he quickly noticed (he wasn’t called Blurg the Intelligent for nothing) that on the largest of all the salmon sandwiches was perched Shauny Shorts (or at least someone looking remarkably like him).
   “Hey Shauny Shorts (or person looking remarkably like him)!” shouted Blurg the Intelligent, rather cleverly since it is hard to shout brackets quite as well as he did.
   “What do you want? (Oh, and by the way, I am actually a clone of Shauny Shorts).” replied the Shauny Shorts clone, showing that he, too, could speak brackets with the best of them.
   “(That clears that up anyway). {I was just wondering why you are riding that large [and rather tasty looking] salmon sandwich}” said Blurg the Intelligent, simply showing off, because speaking three different kinds of brackets at a time is just stupid.
   “Because I am an evil, all-conquering devastator-of-galaxies!!! (And they were out of spaceships at the Spaceship Rental Store).”
   “Oh.” said Blurg the Intelligent.

   How will the mighty Blurg the Intelligent cope with this surprising turn of events? Will he have time to arrange some lunch (because the sight of all those salmon sandwiches has made him decidedly hungry)? Can this story get any more stupid? The answers to these questions and more (No, actually, not more, because those are hard enough questions to answer by themselves) will be revealed in Episode 3 of “Blurg the Intelligent”. Be there or be a tube of toothpaste!

Blurg the Intelligent

   "I hear you’re rather a smart little thing, Blurg. Is that true?” said the blue thing.
   “Dunno.” replied Blurg the Intelligent.
   “Ahhh...I see.”
   “Marvellous!” exclaimed Blurg the Intelligent.
   “Quite what?”
   “I don’t think so.”
   “Don’t be so difficult!”
   “Why are they doing that?”
(The narrator takes this opportunity to apologise for the conversation above. Steps have been taken and the next conversation should make much more sense.)
   “How convolutingly fastidious of you.”
   “Quite what?”
   “I don’t think so.”
(Um...Obviously that didn’t work. We’ll try again.)
   Blurg the Intelligent, master of all he surveyed, acted quickly and decisively. Anything less could have allowed the tragedy of mixing strawberry jam with the peanut butter instead of boysenberry jam. You can no doubt see just why Blurg the Intelligent’s heroic actions were necessary, and why he was proclaimed Emperor of the Galaxy for his efforts.
   However, a clone of Shauny Shorts (the original Shauny having been destroyed) was soon to provide rather a nasty surprise for Blurg the Intelligent...
   Tune in next time for the continuation of this exciting tale of space-faring intrigue and salmon sandwiches.

THE END (for now)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Stupidity breeds eggs

   “Good morning, Clarentina!”
   “Good morning yourself, Stupidity!”
   “What a fine day it is for a pair of hens like ourselves!”

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bill the Worm

   “Gee! It’s really nice and cool down here, isn’t it, Bill?”
   “Yeah, I s’pose so,” said Bill somewhat dejectedly.
   “What’s wrong, Bill?”
   “I’m a worm, aren’t I?”
   “Um...No...You’re a fern!”
   “A fern?”
   “Well! That’s all right then!”



As a starting point, I'd like to introduce the Surreal Short Story (SSS for short) concept. Is it a new, original idea in the world of story telling? Doubtful, but who cares? Basically, I write anything that pops into my head, sometimes triggered by a title, sometimes just an excuse to write fun words and just enjoy the English language. Mostly, it covers for my lack of discipline in telling any story longer than a few sentences (but don't tell anyone :) In fact, the beauty of an SSS is that it doesn't need to make any sense at all.

I've written dozens of SSS's over the years, and while my plan in writing them was always that they were a special, unique gift to the recipient, I think the statute of limitations has passed on them... well, actually I just think that the friends who I've shared them with wouldn't mind if they also saw the brighter light of day. So I'll be posting a whole bunch of SSS material which is new to all but the original owners, and some of which might actually be fun to read. Some (most?) of it is certainly dull, boring crap, but that's really why you're reading this blog anyway, isn't it? Can't get enough of that wonderful refuse :)


I keep promising myself (and Liv) that I'll do more creative stuff. More writing, more drawing, more whatever. Now my other blog has at least had me writing a bit more, but when I'm there the content tends to lean towards a "Dear Diary" kind of entry. So I thought I'd take the risk that a second blog would create two disused blogs in place of one, and allow this new one to focus exclusively on new things I'm bringing to the world. So any creative writing, pictures or new photos will be contained (or referenced) here. It also gives me a place to store years of ideas, half-realised stories and other miscellany torn from the depths of my brain.

I plan to use this space free of any need for consistency, quality or interesting-ness. If you like things, feel free to comment. If you don't like things, you can also comment, although you're better off spending time creating your own, better stuff than criticising me :)

I'll probably change the default look when I get a chance, to support larger blocks of text. Prepare to be dazzled with boredom!