Spence pony weasel

   “What on Earth is that?” cried the smitten bangle.
   “Squidgy alligator bean?” queried primal spore.
   “Ellen pod vixen?” inquired venal mandible.
   “No!!! I am Spence pony weasel!!!” exclaimed Spence pony weasel.

THE END

Ultraviolet flowers

   "Stop disembarking my inventory, you fool!!!" screeched Mandrake.
   The object at which he screeched had attached itself to a large mushroom which Mandrake had been hoping to enter in the County Fair Mushroom Growing Contest next week. And the mushroom was shrinking. Rapidly. Luckily for Mandrake, his sister's ultraviolet flowers quickly disposed of the rampaging object, and had quite a tasty meal, now that it was suitably mushroom flavoured. All's well that ends well!

THE END

Work haikus

Here are a couple of haikus I wrote to some work friends of mine back in 2000, which amused me upon re-reading them this morning:

My eyes are so sore
I don't want to read a lot
But I still have to

So tired am I now
Makes it very hard to work
This is a haiku

Gadzooks

   "How rambunctious you are!" snivelled Blandsforth.
   "And, indeed. How snivelly you, indeed, are!" replied Gladsbury, in a manner which - it must be said - was entirely rambunctious.
   "Pass the moonshine!!!" screeched their mother, who was feeding a lizard to her large pet grapefruit.
   "Quite!" answered her two sons simultaneously.

THE END

Andy waterfall

   "It's much easier collecting the water we need with this waterfall so nearby!" exclaimed Character #1 cheerfully.
   "Indeed! Very convenient!" agreed Character #2.
   "Sure is! Very 'andy!" added their Cockney friend, Character #3, in a very contrived manner, to tie in the title of the story.

THE END

Warble over the ocean

   “Inconsequential floods have rampaged over the Pacific Ocean, as we cross to our correspondent being tossed around the deck of U.S.S. Warble”
   “Thanks Matilda. Yes, here I am aboard the U.S.S. Warble on what I thought would be a lovely holiday but is, instead, a very waterlogged trip indeed.”
   Amazingly, an enormous tidal wave of dry beach sand dropped out of the sky at that exact moment, depositing itself directly on the point of Matilda’s head. Some aliens from the Candelabra Nebula were rather surprised by this and let out several gasps:
   “Gasp! Gasp!” gasped Carrotron the alien.
   “Gasp ...gasp ... gaspgasp!” gasped his brother Wenford.
   And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

Ralph the hedgehog

   “Ole!” screamed Ralph the enigmatic hedgehog. He wasn’t at all Spanish, but he was of the (mistaken) impression that such outbursts made him seem somewhat exotic.
   “Obviously it wasn’t something any of us would have expected, but there you have it.” mused the antiseptic bloodwort, coincidentally named Myrtle, who had mysteriously appeared, as if by magic, from the depths of the magic Magic Man’s magic bag of magic.
   “But since we’re all here anyway, perhaps a more appropriate approximation would be to ensure that all the cardboard we are responsible for is suitably polished and parcelled, so as to make delivery more convenient for those lovely little turnips.”
   “Whatever you say?” questioned Sontrana querulously in the rather uneasy manner of speaking that we have all become familiar with over the course of the story.
   “But, but, but ...” shrilled Farnsworth, the footman, strangulatedly, warning us away from a fate worse than pumpkin sausages, a warning we will not have sufficient time to heed, for this is ...

THE END

Plaid THE Box

   “Gurgle...” went Binko the ostrich-headed hippopotamus.
   When that was over, all the blank mimeographs decided that it was well past time to be heading over to the Furnished Blanket.
   Of course, they would soon discover that this was not such a good idea after all, and many a plaid box (including Plaid THE Box himself, Grand Ruler and High Whotsit of the Society of Boxes, Packages and Assorted Wrapping Paraphernalia) would regret the day that was said, “Oh, is that what they’re for?”

THE END

Flange the flange

   “Good evening Flange! How nice to see you again!” stated the Concierge politely.
   “Of course! It is always nice to see Flange the flange!” exclaimed Flange the flange rather arrogantly.

THE END

Sprinkler the furry bear

   “Oh my goodness!” exclaimed Sprinkler, who happened to be a furry bear, for no apparent reason. That is to say, he had said “Oh my goodness!” for no apparent reason, not that he was a furry bear for no apparent reason. It was very apparent that the reason Sprinkler was a furry bear was exactly that, that he was in fact a furry bear.
   “What’s the matter, dear?” asked Sprinkler’s Mum, another rather furry bear-type creature.
   “Nothing.” replied Sprinkler.
   “Well that’s all right then.” admitted Sprinkler’s Mum.

THE END

Mud and prams

   “Try it again,” suggested Mandragor the porcupine, who was coincidentally draped in smoggy blue jeans.
   “If you like, then I won’t!” replied Janz the large grapefruit.
   “But the prams won’t be very pleased,” pleaded alligator Simon, fancifully attired in purple breeches and a grey overcoat made entirely from bottle-tops.
   “They’ll just have to learn to cope with being stuck in the mud then,” interjected Captain Stupendous, the heroic foghorn, who wasn’t much of a pram fan it must be said.
   “Yes, let’s!” chorused the entire group.
   And so they did.

THE END

Then Birdie cried

   “Oh, brother!” exclaimed the turtle, who had recently picked up the habit of nonsensical rhyming [although, obviously, he broke the habit in that first statement. Unless ‘nonsensical rhyming’ means not rhyming at all...]
   “Fancy that!” semi-replied the facetious otter bedecked in a sparkling turban of green sweater.
   Hog the Tarkanian mystically retched a voluminous wedge from the underground maintenance puddle of his otherwise stationary bicycle.
   In contrast, the weather stale-ified progressively from winter to umbrella-season and hunting was on the prowl.
   “Legumes!!!” cried Birdie (saving the author from this degenerating SSS™).

THE END

Randolph and The Tree

   “Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!!!” cried Randolph (who was obviously a pirate).
   The Tree decided that Randolph was being a bit loud and proceeded to sit on him, which was quite painful for Randolph, since The Tree weighed more than an average African elephant.

THE END

Lazy returns

Back to some copy and paste. Not only that, Liv's seen that one before... Gotta put in more effort...

Frank the Cat

   “Moooooo!!!” growled Frank (the Cat).

THE END

Wondering minstrel

   "Oh fa lee lay la dee la do," trilled Andar.
   A single, explosively loud gunshot.
   "Why?" expired Andar.

THE END

Murder most livid

   Permeating the mandibles was a fallible intricacy. Mr. Trenton had long since decided to abandon candour and, instead, opt for intransigence. Odd it's true, but understandable, given a penchant for irreversibility.
   Exactly then, the covers exploded, raising awareness of fulcrums to undreamt of heights. Why would they have flown so carelessly? Mr. Trenton was tasked to find out. Was he successful? No.

THE END

Rehash

All the SSSs I've added so far have been blasts from my past, from letters I gave to a couple of good friends of mine, L and M. But copy and paste isn't really a creative endeavour so, finally, I've written a couple of new tales of suspense and tragedy, thanks to an hour sitting in the Canberra Centre waiting for B to finish work and have dinner with me. So here goes, new stuff!

Genuinely stupid?

   "You're not really, truly, genuinely stupid!" shouted Max.
   "Am so!" replied Gerald, angrily it must be said.
   "But what about the pink squid?" asks Max, cunningly linking this story with an earlier one, to trick Gerald into a serious blunder (as well as changing tense).
   "Huh?"
   "Ah ha! I have fooled you totally!" screams Max somewhat triumphantly.
   "Huh?"
   "It is I who am genuinely stupid!!!"
   "Huh?"
   "Me! ME! MEEEEEE!!!"
   "Oh. Me?" questions Gerald.
   "Yes! Hahaha!"
   "Die! Red-blooded scum of Earth!" screams the suddenly interjected alien toothbrush.
   "I disagree."
   "WHO SAID THAT?!" asks the alien toothbrush timidly.
   "That wasn't timid!"
   "TRUE!!! Who said that? BETTER?!!" amended the vicious and strangely anomalous toothbrush.
   "Yes, quite." answered the mute sponge bath.

THE END

Then the pig cried

   "Ouch!" cried the ping.
   "Hurties!" screamed the pop.
   "Waah!" wailed the crackle.
   Then the pig cried out, "ENOUGH!"

THE END